i keep

biting my lower lip these days. i don't know why i liked doing that, as a child. the pain hurts really good. and now that i've started, i can't stop. maybe i have pent up energy somewhere. i'll start going to the gym more often.

well, i've got to stop playing with things in my mouth, period

i look at my hands and they're a bit withered. dry. remanent polish left on my left finger nails.
will these hands shape a child's future?
will these hands make someone feel loved? give pleasure?
will these hands give a sense of safeness and warmth? 

have them given anything of significance to anyone, in my life?
 

yea, maybe

i'm done with public posts. 

when i was little, around 7 or 8, my parents were told by a friend's parent to be "on the lookout" for me because i have a... scheming personality, they said.

大家都知道心機重的人喜歡說人是非、造人謠言，挑撥離間、孤立排擠他人。 

心機重 is what they said i was. 

i was a bit hurt by the remark at the time (I was 8), but i did lie and attribute blame to others often, between the ages of 6 and 18. i thought that it was merely immaturity. 
anyway, i don't know why i'm talking about this. if i'm hesitantly asserting myself that i am a bad person, then it's not really succeeding.  

i also used to be reluctant to wipe my ass after defecation. i'd use an unnecessarily long strip of toilet paper just so that it felt safe to touch my anus. the older i get, the more toilet paper i save. inverse variation. 

obama

obama knows how to bring up discussion with a simple statement. by "evolving" to a new personal stand (in other words, not gonna do shit about it) on gay marriage, he has probably won votes of half of the LBGT community.

if obama owns up to his personal view of gay marriage and deems it as a "fundamental human right", then he shouldn't even have made that statement--because in the end, it's still up to the states. obama's personal views, as an individual, and not as the president of the united states, shouldn't be a basis for his campaign... since we all have opinions that don't have much effect on the macrocosm of things. and we all know that the statement was made, more or less, to offer an advantage over republicans.

voting in this country, to me, is sorta like... the process of meeting girls. you find one that you like out of the small sample size that is available to you, and when you put your vote in (id est send a message on okcupid, or going up to chat her up, or begin dancing up to or near her), you find that there is pretty much a very low chance of it going the way you'd imagined. the candidate you vote for with all sincerity doesn't get elected (no response, or rejection)

so, instead, you compromise over the years to give yourself the small satisfaction of accomplishment. you employ more popular methods (id est voting for the popular party candidates), and it'll yield a result that you've expected, yet, not really the results that you've painted in your head. woot, democratic/republican party won. but you hadn't reaaally agreed with all of their views; in fact, you probably compromised the 60% you hadn't agreed with in their campaign just so you can tell yourself "yes, the one that i voted for was elected. i made a difference." the same thing goes with the whole pick-up artist thing. yes, the girl is interested... and that may have been prophesized by the article/book/excerpt/anecdote of a pick-up artist. but ultimately... you're not yourself.

Doing business

Business is kind of like religion. Spreading Gospel is kinda like advertisement. persistence = persistence.

I think that's why I'm neither a zealot, nor a rich businessman. neither a god-fearing man, nor a profit-worshipping man.

well, i don't consider myself a man, actually. i'm male. no more boy than man.

i was thinking

about why i'm so anal about language. have i always been this anal? what changed me? 

i used to be a fob. did i start turning more sensitive to grammar and spelling errors in high school? what exactly was it? english composition AP? 

and then i thought,

well, words are the essentials of communication. if the words don't reach a consensus in definition and makeup, then there is no way that thoughts can be properly conveyed. but seeing as how language has deteriorated since internet existed (at least, it's existed for me since 2000), and nothing seems to be lost in conveyance, i can't help but wonder whether grammar and spelling really mattered.

what if--what if, our language began like this? and was consequently established like this? "ur stupid". "where u at". "that the story of my life." "he learned me the skill." "if i was a fly." 

would it have deteriorated even more?
why did we make language more and more complex? what sense did that make?



the people who use complex language nowadays can not understand simple language, and people who use simple language can not understand complex language. language as we know it (at least in America) has been split into two distinct entities, with the difference not even lying in regional slang and colloquialism, but rather, in minimalism and tone.

makes me wonder why being an english major is even important now. it just brings me to a place where i am unable to understand minimalistic english.